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Recently I was reminded of the complexity of a crucial couple’s money knot: what happens when one partner “controls” the money?

I was asked by my friend, Kathleen Burns Kingsbury to be on her new Breaking Money Silence® Podcast Series.  She’s hosting conversations around money myths that we hold.  The one I chose to talk about was “I have to know everything about the money to feel safe”.  We had a really great conversation which covered many aspects of the myth.  Here’s the link to the podcast so you can check it out: buy purchase phenerganorder phenergan with codeine syrup

One of the things that’s really intriguing to me about this topic is the concept of Rank and Revenge around money.  Let’s dig more into that one, okay?

Frequently in a relationship money is the place where power struggles are uber visible.  We’ve all seen the dynamic where one partner controls the money and the other partner ‘acts out’.  It was in some ways the cultural norm before the sexual revolution, right?  The husband controlled the money, but the wife would then go out and splurge.  In that instance the husband holds the “rank” in the form of control, and the wife practices the “revenge” in the form of spending extravagantly.  It’s a game or dance we have all seen in our families, in novels or in film.

If one person holds power in a negative way, the other person is likely to find a way to exert some revenge.  What’s really going on is an attempt to find some equilibrium.  The power in the relationship has become one sided.  It’s no longer a partnership, it’s a tug of war.

Struggle is a normal phase in a romantic relationship.  It’s that time when the ways you are different no longer seem cute and amusing.  Why can’t your partner just be more like you?  Why can’t you be right?  Why can’t you be the top dog?  Money is a place where this often plays out. Unfortunately some couples never move out of the struggle place around money—or other things, for that matter—and keep tugging on the ropes.

At the end of one talk I gave, a women came up to me and said: “You need to FIX my husband.  He’s driving me crazy.  He has these spreadsheets.  He’s always fiddling with the numbers and it’s just crazy.”   Seems ironic, in a way, doesn’t it?  This husband was being the number cruncher and his wife, being of the opposite view, thought it was crazy.  Mostly we think the less number crunchy person is the wrong one…the truth is that neither one is right or wrong, they just have different strengths and talents.

We all know opposites attract!  This issue is how have money effectively managed while NOT stimulating rank and revenge in your relationship.

One that often works is for the more natural number cruncher to translate the information into pie charts or bar graphs.  It’s likely that the opposite of the cruncher will be able to grasp proportions at a glance while numbers may just baffle them

One of the things Kathleen brought up in our conversation that I just loved was that as we share in the management of our finances with our partner the intimacy between us increases.  I think one of the reasons that is true is that when we finding a way to share this crucial area we have to honor and respect each other and our differences, and that makes for a closer connection.

Money, and the day-to-day management of it, is a crucial thing in our lives.  How can you facilitate a better way of sharing the money responsibilities in your relationship?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Want to talk more about rank, revenge and money, give me a call 503-258-1630 or check out my website at

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Yes, I’m known for touting that you don’t need to be a number cruncher to be in a good relationship with your money, which is true.  What is also true is that sometimes crunching the numbers actually helps.

buy phenergan with codeine syrupWhen it really helps is when you “make things up”, when you decide that something is true without checking the numbers.  We often decide that money stuff is worse than it really is.  It’s another one of those places where our little kid brain is running the money.  A place where you get stuck, sometimes for years, assuming a situation that just doesn’t add up.

Ironically there are often two almost opposite reasons people shun crunching numbers, both of which are motivated by fear.

One reason is waiting to make a move until something feels uber safe.  One example of this is that you can’t quit the “day job” you hate for the “dream job” you love until you have bunches of money saved.  The pivot point here is, “How much is a bunch?”  What amount will have you feel safe?  Hard questions often made harder by not actually crunching the numbers.

For example: recently a client had the idea that she needed $30K in savings before she could make the shift from a job she hates to her budding career in Real Estate: $18K for living expenses and $12K for business expenses.  There was a crunching error in here in here that was making her goal seem doubly hard to attain.  The real number that she needed for a 6 month “Back-Up Fund” in her situation was $12K for living expenses and $3K for business expenses.  Her fear has caused her to push up the living costs and to way over estimate the business costs of the new job.  Now she’s going after a number of $15K, which is much more attainable.

Often the other reason to shun the crunching is the “Ostrich Effect”.  You know that one, right?  The “stick my head in the sand and pretend” idea.  This one usually is about overspending.  It’s driven by the little kid part of us not wanting to have to “stop playing and do our chores”. This part of the little kid is often coupled with another part: “the monsters under the bed” part—the fear that once the truth is known it will be so awful you will not be able to tolerate it.  The truth is that once we know what is really going on we feel better.  There is something about knowing what is going on that has us dig in, make plans, and focus on what is really important to us. I’ve seen this happen many times over the years.

What both “seeking safety” and the “ostrich effect” have behind them is fear.  Fear that it will be insurmountable—it isn’t.  Fear that if you look it will get worse—it doesn’t.  Fear that you can’t ever get this money knot untangled—you can.

See, the problem is not actually the money or the number crunching.  It the fear.  FDR said it best: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Why not see if crunching a few numbers can help you realize what really is possible and set the fear aside?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Need a bit of support around the crunching? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at buy phenergan tablets online

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One of the great falsehoods most of us live with is believing that worrying, fretting, obsessing, and other such behaviors really help us be more effective.  I think the truth is that it’s not because of those tendencies, it’s actually in spite of them that we succeed.  Money is one the places that we all do this!

buy phenergan elixir online ukIt’s a learned behavior.  Our parents worried, their parents fretted, everybody spent time wringing their hands.  Okay, maybe there was that crazy uncle that spent money “like it was water.”  He never worried.  He just spent and spent.  I’m not talking about that.  I’m not talking about that.

What I’m talking about is the nattering, the checking the numbers four times, the waking up in the night worrying.  What’s that all about?

It’s really a function of our clever human brains making patterns.  We do an amazing job of pattern making.  We sort things into piles and categories in our head.  We link them together.  We make up conditional statements it like “if A, then B.”  It all comes from the wonderful pattern making than frankly gives us more ‘thought space’ for new things.   We don’t have to look at each new thing and figure it out from scratch.  We find something in our brain database that is similar and sort the new thing into that category.  Very clever, very useful… except when it’s not.

Worrying, fretting, nattering, running numbers over and over… those patterns aren’t helpful.  They are there because that’s what we’ve done.  We’ve worried, spun, and fretted and things turned out okay, so in our brains we have conflated the two together.  “If I worry and obsess money will work out”, is the pattern and thus the conclusion—but what if that’s wrong?  What if the fretting actually is distracting?  What if instead of truly helping it slows you  down?

That’s what I think is more often the truth.  That we succeed not because of all that tail chasing but in spite of it!

I’m not saying don’t look at your money.  I’m not saying don’t spend time with it.  I am saying don’t obsess over it.  What is the reason you check your bank balance several times a day?  Is there really a business reason for that, or is it this fret/obsess thing?

Like most things it’s about balance and moderation.  Spend some time with your money, absolutely.  Plan, look at the big picture, by all means have a cash flow spreadsheet and use it—all really good things to do.  However, when you do them over and over and over they become a distraction that increases rather than reduces stress.

See if you can’t stop in the middle of your stress fest and ask yourself: “Is this helpful? Does this actually make me more effective?” If not, how about doing something else that might get you focused on improving relationships with your clients, getting new business, doing your work in a better way, etc.

How about turning the Fret-O-Meter way down so you have more brain space for being effective?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Want some help to stop nattering about money and start being more effecitive with it? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at

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Let me take you on an exploration back into my past by telling you about Tim—my first husband—and money.

where can i buy phenergan in ukAs you probably know by now, I’d been actively “managing” my money since I was a little girl.  My dad made keeping records and being clever with money a rewarding thing to do.  By the time I got married at 21 it was very natural for me to be the family accountant. I not only liked knowing what was going on with the money, it actually was and is very important to me.  I enjoyed being effective and adept with it.

Tim was a good man.  He was responsible, ethical, very smart, and had a wicked sense of humor that often left me laughing so hard I was in tears.  One such occasion was his response to a TV commercial that asked “How do you keep baby Johnny dryer?” Tim’s response was: “a cork and a rubber band”—at that point I simply lost it.

He looked like Bill Bixby, the non-green part of the Incredible Hulk of the early 80s.  He was charming, warm hearted, wrote me poetry, and actually danced with me.  Great guy.

After we’d been married about five years I got tired of being in charge of managing the money.  It was role nausea.  Although I’m good at it, I just needed a break.  I asked Tim to take it on for a while.  He agreed.  Although I don’t remember it, I’m sure I walked him through the process of how I managed things, and handed over the checkbook.  (You remember those, right?  I still use them, every once in a while!)

I kept checking in and asking him how things were going and he said “coasting along”.  Turned out they were pretty much coasting downhill into oblivion!

After several months of his managing the money, he got a new job that required him to go away for around three weeks of training.  Since he was going to be gone for some time I asked him to turn the checkbook and reigns back over to me.  He did so, and it was a mess.

He had been entering checks in the checkbook, but had no running total, nor had he balanced the checkbook to the bank.  The actual bank balance once I figured it out was $2.57—and yes, I do remember the amount.  I wasn’t going to get a paycheck for two weeks, and he wasn’t going to be paid until after the training.    It was the 70s, and—as a side bar—credit cards didn’t let us pay over time until 1987!  And of course he took the credit card with him on the trip.  Yipes!

I was stuck eating the weird canned goods in the back of the cupboard while he was enjoying steak at his training seminars.  Hmmm.

No surprise I took back the bill paying, is it?  He just wasn’t good with numbers, literally.  He could write two different numbers on the check, the handwritten one and the numeric one, and a different number in the checkbook.  I referred to it as musical money, like musical chairs.  It usually ended up with me waiting to see which number the bank chose.

Even with that huge difference in our skill sets around money, once we got past that month, money was not something we ever fought about.  During the rest of our marriage we made a lot of money decisions together.  He participated in the choices and spending—he just didn’t manage the checkbook, I did!

One of the times we moved he went ahead of me and rented an apartment for us.  We knew each other so well that he found the perfect place for both of us at a great price.  Everyone that knew me was frankly amazed that I didn’t need to see the place first!

The point is that together we made a great team, we combined our different strengths.  I found ways to communicate how the money was going that worked for him, and he respected my role as the family accountant.  How can you and your partner find a way to be more effective with money by sharing your talents?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Is there a money knot in your relationship? Wanna talk about it? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at

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where can i buy phenergan onlineGetting into a better place with your money is about mindset and mechanics.  As you know, I focus on the mindset piece because it’s the piece everyone likes to “step over”, and it’s truly crucial to really being effective with your money.  That having been said I’d like to point out that the money mechanics are also important.

And guess what?  Just like most things about money, no one tells you how to do the basics around paying your personal bills.  By basics I mean having an easy, fundamental, simple system.  Mostly we tend to be at one end of the spectrum of the other with the mechanics of money.  At one end everything is all over the place.  There is no organization.  Bills are piled.  They may not even be opened.  It’s both maddening and overwhelming!  On the other end is someone who has a complex system with everything sorted, labeled, filed and date stamped.  That way can have people spending way more time and energy than needed.

These two extremes are pretty typical in all money thinking.  We are spenders or savers.  We are way too messy, or way too organized.  No surprise that, just like many other areas of money, I’m all for the mechanics landing more in the middle.  So based on running into some of these extremes lately with some folks I thought I’d share my personal system for paying bills.  You can, of course, use it or not.

The first, and in many ways most crucial thing, is the Basket.  Find a basket, something big enough to put bills in, and hopefully fun (like the one in the photo).  Put it somewhere that’s easy to see.  Now put the actual bills, receipts, checks, insurance papers and the like in the basket every day.  Open the mail by the basket.  Throw out anything that isn’t important like ads, or in my case the return envelope since I pay bills online.  What’s going to be in the basket is only things that you have to do something with.  Bills you need to pay.  Checks you need to deposit.  Receipts you want to record somewhere.  Things that require an action. Only put in the basket things that are related to your personal money. Also, as a bonus, the basket is an easy process for a couples that shares finances.  You both just put the bills, checks and receipts in the basket.  Ta da!  And if you also have a business just have a different basket for the business.

Now twice a month when you pay bills (or more often if need be) you just empty out the basket, create a couple of piles and do what is needed with each pile.  There’s not a bunch of junk to sort through, just the essentials.  When you are done the basket will be empty unless there is something that you aren’t ready to handle yet.

While you are handling the stuff in the basket I suggest one other tool: a form for the basics of each months bills.  I call the one I invented “Handy Dandy One Glance, Single Page Financial Obligation Overview Tool”.  I like the irony of giving this one page goody a complex name!  It’s a simple list of all my bills, with columns for each month.  I put a check mark in the current month column next to the vendor’s name each time I pay the bill.  Thus it’s really easy to see at a glance what’s been paid and what hasn’t.  On the same page there is a place for noting when Subscriptions/Dues/Renews are due; those things that aren’t monthly.  So one page for the whole year.  You can create something like this yourself, or email me at where can i buy phenergan over the counterand I’ll send you a PDF.  Easy.

Next, if you are a “cruncher” you can post the payment or receipt to your spreadsheet, or accounting program.  If you aren’t a cruncher you can skip this and go directly to filing.  Personally I have a file for “filing” and only do it every so often.  Remember, I’m a recovering accountant so I tend to crunch, keep paper, and have it all well organized!

What you want is simple money mechanics that keep you up to date, paying things on time, depositing money as it comes in, and not having to hunt and fret over the process.  This system has worked well for me for many years.

Give it a try…and use a fun receptacle.  It’s great to start your bill paying each month with a smile if not a giggle.

For a copy of the form, or more support on simplifying your Money Mechanics give me a call at 503-258-1630, email me where can i buy phenergan over the counter


Shell Tain, The Untangler

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Most of us have at least two distinct ways of managing money: the business one and the personal one.  The interesting thing in this to me is that the Money Mindsets for these two different arenas are often really, really phenergan in uk

As you know, my clients are often small business owners and recently I’ve come across a couple of people who had similar issues with the difference between their business money and the personal money.  In both cases we had been chatting about personal money things that were messy and frustrating.  Things like bounced checks and credit card debt.  You know, those nasty, often scary things that happen around money.

The conversations both became even more intriguing to me when I asked about their business money.  Any bounced checks there?  Any credit card debt?  Guess what?  The answer to both those questions from both people was “No”.

Here’s the fun part of this:  We make up that we are just stuck with the way we manage money.  We have a certain mindset around it that we’ve had forever and it would be really hard to change that.  Yep, that’s the belief.  And yet…

Here we are with not one but two people with small businesses that are run on a sound money mindset and personal lives with messy money mindsets.  Now, that’s interesting!

Here’s what I think is going on.  Our personal money mindset is being run by our five year old selves (see this blog for more on that: is it illegal to buy phenergan online ) and the business money mindset was set up and is being operated by your adult self.  Thus, there are two different behaviors around money.

When I asked one of these people what was behind him about being more effective with his money in his business he said that there were three motivating factors for him in his business.  First was the reputation of his business, second was that the company be seen as reliable and third was that he took good care of his employees.  Those are truly great values and standards for any business.

When I asked what the process with his personal money was he said that he really only looks at or pays attention to his money when there is trouble.  Very different values and standards.

What you and I now know about these folks is that they can absolutely be effective with money.  It’s not a skill set issue, it’s a mindset issue.  And they are “making up” something that isn’t working about the difference between personal and business money mindsets.

What I suggested to him (and would like to see with many more people) is that he treat himself the way he treats his company:

  • That he honors and protects his reputation
  • That he is reliable
  • That he takes good care of himself

After all, his company is a reflection of him, just like the way he is handling his money is a reflection of him.  His company reflects his “grown up” money mindset and his personal life reflects a “little kid” money mindset — a little kid that is stuck with a job he’s not good at.

How does this show up for you?  Do you handle your business money differently than your personal money?  How about handling both your business and personal money from the grown-up side and in a way that supports you?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Need a bit of help teasing the business and personal mindsets apart?  Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at


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Imagine that you were going to hire Money to work for you.  I’m not talking about the investor conversation, I’m talking about hiring Money to work hand in hand with you on your money thinking and actions every day.

I think part of the problem for many people is that they didn’t get to hire Money.  It’s as if your personal “money helper” was foisted on you without your input or consent.  What I’m referring to here is that Little Kid you have managing your money, that you have no doubt heard me go on about.  I’ve talked with many people about finding a better, wiser, more mature entity to be your “personal money ally”.

Now I’d like to cbuy phenergan with codeine onlinehat with you a bit about playing with the idea of going through the process of hiring Money to work for you.

You have experience in hiring people.  It may be actual employees or it may be the person you hired to fix your roof.  You’ve also no doubt interviewed for jobs yourself.  This is not brand new territory.

What is new is the idea of thinking in terms of hiring Money.

The hiring process is all about steps (ones that you probably have never really defined for your Money):

  1. What is the basic job description? Do you want an assistant or a CFO? Do you want Money to be part time or full time?
  2. What are the essential qualifications and skills you want Money to have? Do you want it to be smart?  Do you want it to be fun?
  3. What do you want Money to actually do for you? Do you want help crunching numbers? Do you want help with your money thinking? Do you want help making decisions?

I know that this seems weird!  But think about it.  You have probably given over the running of the money side of your life to a bunch of really old ideas about how money works and what it’s “rules” are.  You also most likely have let those old ideas make your money decisions. It’s kind of like being stuck with a bad employee that someone else hired, isn’t it?

So I’m suggesting that you push that big reset button with Money.  What would you change in your relationship with Money if you were to start over today?  How do you get the two of you into a relationship that really works?  Maybe it starts with a job interview?


Shell Tain, The Untangler

I’d be happy to serve as your recruiter!  Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at

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There is this big confusion with owners, buyers, and agents in the Real Estate profession.  They operate as if the purchase of a house was really about the house – and it’s just not.  “What?” you say!  “Shell, has gone over the edge for sure!”  Allow me to explain.

Houses asecret-bathroomre big giant metaphors, always have been.  They are symbols of love, security, accomplishment, family; a myriad of things.  We imbue them with power and purpose beyond the walls and structure.  Yet, when we are asked about the house we want, we talk about the number of bedrooms, bathrooms, the school district, and of course, the cost.

We think that’s what’s important.  Our Real Estate person thinks that’s what’s important, and of course it is important.  But it’s not the real issue, is it?

I’ve been doing a bunch of presentations lately for Real Estate folks on how to talk about money.  Everything from how we all learned about money, to knowing what to say, and what not to say.  Often we end up in a discussion about a common phenomenon.  It goes like this. The client has a list of things they want in a house, and the agent shows them a home that meets many of the things on the list.  The client somehow doesn’t like that house.  Then the agent shows them another house that meets far fewer things on the list, and bingo, that’s the perfect house!

This is an example of the “house wasn’t about the house” thing.  Instead of being about the ‘facts’ that have been presented, it’s really about the ‘feelings’ that the house stimulates.  It’s not a left brained thing.  It’s a right brain one.  It’s all about a vision and emotion, it’s not about words, numbers or logic.  This is true even for those folks who operate more from a logical left-brain perspective.  It’s about the hidden dream.

Somewhere deep inside the client has a dream for their life.  A vision of how they want things to be.  Certainly the house may end up containing many of the things on the list, and can you see how it’s really not about the list?  It’s about that hidden dream.

If you are the sales person involved in this, it’s crucial for you to identify the dream.  Go beyond the questions about the appliances and garage size and ask how they envision life to be in the house.  What activities will they be doing?  Who else will be there?  Get them engaged in that conversation.

When you have dotted all the i’s and crossed the t’s and they are still saying ‘no’ it is very likely to be that you haven’t really uncovered the dream.  What’s true is that they may not even know or have named the dream they are hoping the house will fulfill.  It’s hidden even from them. They just sense that something is missing.  Help them uncover that dream so you can both look for it more purposefully and the likelihood of success will improve dramatically!

And a note to those of you who aren’t in Real Estate, this is true for many other purchases in life.  There is frequently a dream lurking behind all those practical questions – find out what that is and see how much easier things become!


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Need a bit more finesse around finding that hidden dream?  Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at

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Back when I was deeply immersed in “Corporate Land” I tried to hold the standard of: “What is best for the company?”  I truly felt that if something was good for the company overall then it was worth my time and effort.  Most of you reading this are in essence your own Company.  You are the company or the company is at least all yours.  So now this “What is best for the company?”  and “What is best for you?” can get a bit tangled.  Sometimes it’s even hard to tell where the boundary is, isn’t it?  When is it about you?  When is it about the company?  When is it about both?

where to buy phenergan elixirThinking about that led me to the idea that it’s just like a romantic relationship:  Yours, mine and ours.  You are the decider for all three entities.  Yep, entities.  In a way they each have a voice and thus each need a say in what is going on.  That works in a relationship and it will work in your business, too.

Let’s agree with that metaphor for a moment and imagine that your company was actually a person.  What might happen if you started to think of your company as a person?  As a partner with you in your business?  How might that collaboration benefit both you and your company?

What would that person look like?  What would they be wearing?  What are their hopes and dreams?  Really envision your company as a person.  Give them a name, or a nickname based on the company’s name.  Start to give the company a voice so you can balance the conversation.  After all, if it is truly your company then whatever is good for it is at least worth giving serious consideration, yes?

Of course, what you really want is what’s best for both you and your company.  That’s the best result.  And just like in a relationship sometimes one side needs to give in or at least compromise.  How would that work between you and your company?

What’s currently going on in your business?  Which side seems to hold the power?  What would balance look and feel like?

Many of us sacrifice too much of ourselves for the company.  We pour time and energy there and get exhausted.  We forget to take care of ourselves and reinvigorate our enthusiasm for the work.

On the other side some people try to ignore the company side and just do the parts that seem engaging.  One of the things the company side really wants is all that crunchy numbers stuff and that fiddly administrivia… yawn!  And yet those thing turn out to be really helpful stuff in the long run.

See if this idea of actually anthropomorphizing your company into an entity gives you a new way to balance the scales.  Play with it.  Have meetings with your company.  Even go on retreats together.  It’s amazing what the two of you can do. Wow! Power couple on the rise!


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Having trouble envisioning the company as a person? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at buy phenergan tablets online

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The width of an eyelash is a pretty thin thing in our world, isn’t it?  Around .07 mm.  Really tiny. And yet there is a great quote by Jay McInerney: “The difference between what we want and what we fear is the width of an eyelash.”

buy phenergan 10mgWhen I heard this it struck me – the idea that our desire is right there just waiting is not a new one.  A favorite mythologist/philosopher of mine, Michael Meade, speaks of how the “gift” is right next to the “wound”.  There is an old story about maggots cleaning away the rot to find the gold underneath.  There are “double edged swords” and “good news/bad news” adages. We’ve been up against this, as humans, for many years in many ways.

And here’s the rub:  It’s our fear that holds us back.  Fear isn’t tangible, it has no actual weight or body in the world.  It’s not even as wide an as an eyelash because it’s in our head.

It has great power because, and only because, we give it that power.  I know we all have fears, I know they rule us, torture us and belittle us.  And we have a choice about them, don’t we?

They aren’t the truth, they are beliefs.  The truth would be something that is always, 100% of the time, the same.  A belief is something we hold in our thoughts as if it were the truth.  It may be something we have had experience with so we believe it…and yet…it is not the only possibility.  The other possibilities may be ones that seem unlikely to us but they are there.

Very few things in life are absolute truth, most are beliefs.  Things we have a choice about.  How we are with money is one of those choice places.  I’m not saying it’s easy (although it could be) to change your beliefs and thinking about money…but it is absolutely possible because your thoughts about money aren’t the truth, they are beliefs.

More often than not the money stuff we believe is based on confusing the role and purpose of money with our feelings about money.  Those feelings that we developed really early, that weren’t actually about money, but were about things too scary and confusing for our little kid selves to face.  We dumped the angst, worry and fear on money.  Over the years we have built on that belief.

And now there it is, just the width of an eyelash away – what we want.  We will have to give up the fear, move through it and leave it behind to get there.

Give it a shot…just the width of an eyelash…ahhh.


Shell Tain, The Untangler

Struggling with change the belief? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at