We sure do get this money stuff tangled up, don’t we? This is the place where I untangle pieces of it. Most of it’s about money while some of it’s about something else that strikes my interest. All of it is about noticing how things get knotted up and how to untangle the knots. Oh, and if you have a topic you’d like me to explore, just let me know. I’ll be happy to give it a good shake and see what untangles.
Did you happen to see this quote on Facebook? ‘Being taught to avoid talking about politics and religion has led to a lack of understanding of politics and religion. What we should have been taught was how to have a civil conversation about a difficult topic.’
You probably won’t be surprised that my brain went right to: ‘…and when it comes to money, it’s an even more taboo topic!’ Mostly we don’t even talk about that we don’t talk about it, and the aforementioned ‘lack of understanding’ around money is monumental. I truly do think it’s the MOST taboo topic on the planet.
And the person we talk to the least about money is actually ourself. Sure we have money conversations in our head. Most often they are rants about what we are doing wrong — judgements of our short comings. These aren’t actual conversations where we listen — really listen — to what we are saying about money. This is unexplored money self-talk.
The important thing here, is that what we say is what we believe. Our internal dialog rules our brain. If the primary belief we have is that money is this awful, scary stuff that we can’t actually get a handle on and don’t understand, we will make that the truth and act accordingly.
A large part of my job is to really hear what people are saying, both out loud and in their heads. I try to clue in on when I hear someone using internal and external language-based judgement, criticism, and just not feeling good about ourselves. Some of the words that we use around money that tip me off to this are: enough, earned, value, deserve, frugal, broke, wasteful. Other words that strike even deeper show how we judge what we are doing — how we ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘have to’, and ‘got to’. It’s often pretty subtle stuff. And I’m pretty much all over my clients, encouraging them to thinking in terms of ‘wanting’ or ‘choosing’ to do things instead of all those other options.
The real reason for that is that coming from that more self-directed positive place is just plain more effective. All that negative nattering distracts us from the task at hand, and that limits our abilities.
How about you find a way to have a couple of heart-to-heart money conversations with yourself? I know it sounds a bit ‘out there’ but why not? Tune in and notice when you say a negative thing about yourself, about you and money, even about your expectations of what is possible in your life. Why not start by making a simple list of your self-talk phrases and then noting if they are positive, negative, or even neutral.
What’s going on there in your head? You can absolutely shift it. You can learn new words and hold new ideas. You even can learn to ‘correct’ yourself when you say something like, “I’ll never make it!” You can choose to follow it with “…unless, of course, I do!”
There is a bit of sneaky science behind this idea. It’s all about neural pathways. The ones that get more use get stronger, the ones with little use diminish. You get to choose. What are you reinforcing? See what you can learn about what you really say about money. And how, with just a bit of noticing and language focus, you can change your money thinking — really, you can!
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to some support in hearing your internal messages and making these change give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
Ultimately, it’s up to each of us to take care of ourselves — to be a self-cleaning oven. For me, this last month has been one of those times that irritatingly remind me of that. In many ways being a ‘Self-Cleaning Oven’ is the counterpoint of my last blog: ‘What If It’s Not Actually About You?‘ Were you able to read that one? Magically the same cut and paste of the link to that blog—which I used for Facebook and notifying list-serves—didn’t work for the larger mass of folks on my ‘list’. Razzlefrats!
I will not burden you with all the things that have been challenging for me this month, but suffice it to say that I finally wrote down a list. It’s now over a dozen. Maybe I could lay some of it at the doorstep of planetary influences (Mercury in retrograde)? Certainly, having this ‘cold’ I’ve been fussing with for over a month didn’t help. The challenges have been wide-reaching, involving clients, friends, technology, isolation — oh, and even money!
I don’t bring all this up to start a ‘poor me’ conversation. I do bring it up to acknowledge that we all have times like these, and we need methods to cope with such times.
What I notice is that inevitably it finally comes down to each of us being a self-cleaning oven. What I really mean by that is, no matter how much support you have from friends, family, and outside resources, it is always up to you to find your own way. It’s up to you to explore options, find resources, change—or keep—your thinking, make choices, and solve the problem.
To hearken back to the ‘It’s Not Actually About You’ blog, the stuff others try to project on you isn’t about you… AND it follows that what you feel about others isn’t about them, it’s all about you, TO YOU! The trick is what you do with that.
Remember that old idea that ‘no one can actually make us angry’? Yes, we do get angry, sad, frustrated — all sorts of emotions! And these emotions are real and valid. They are also our projection of our values, morals, history, dreams…
Many, many times we get caught trying to change others in the hope of creating a different result. The problem is we can’t change others. We can only change ourselves and our choices. I did a presentation last week on ‘Managing VS Meeting Client Expectations’ a favorite topic of mine. One woman raised her hand and asked about several ‘difficult clients’ she just couldn’t please. Those of you that know me well won’t be surprised that I told her about the difficulty in trying to teach a pig to sing. (That is, it wastes your time and irritates the pig.) The point is not to keep trying to make people who are difficult happy — it is about finding clients that appreciate you and your work.
No matter how many resources you have, there is always that point where it’s you and you alone who makes the choice of how to react and respond. Thus the self-cleaning oven analogy. How can you move more quickly from the frustration with others to the place where you really look at why this bothers you. How can you be introspective in those moments? That’s what the self-cleaning oven is all about. Yes, it may burn and feel harsh sometimes, and in the end it is yourself you need to honor and care for. You have dreams, values, and ideals that need to be honored and respected… and you are the one to do that for yourself.
And just in case you were wondering: you don’t actually have to declare this position to others. You don’t have to tell them you are going to take care of yourself. You just need to do it. Primarily because taking care of you—being your own self-cleaning oven—is ALL about you, not them.
How about the next time something or someone gets under your skin, you take a moment to see what part of what you feel is about your sense of what’s fair, your values, your dreams — you — and then take some time to be a self-cleaning oven. What would be the value of that for you?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to explore some specific ways to be a Self-Cleaning Oven give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
It’s a really interesting question to ponder, because MOST of the time, it really isn’t about us —even when it feels like it is! We all process every thought and idea through our own filters. What we notice about others always is a reflection of what we care about or are interested in — our personal opinions, our values. It’s just how it is.
I know you have had the experience of, for example, getting a new car and all of a sudden you notice all the other cars of the same model on the road with you. It almost feels like everyone ran out and got the same car because you did, doesn’t it? Part of this feeling comes from that really valuable, hard-won human survival trait of Pattern Making — we make patterns like crazy all the time. It allows us to not clutter our brains by spending a bunch of time analyzing things.
We respond and react to the thing we are used to, focused on, care about. And we find it bizarre when others don’t notice or care the same way we do! For example, I do have several friends that not only don’t have pets, but actually don’t care about animals at all. I can hardly grok that. I’m likely, in any circumstance, to pay more attention to the critter than their human!
One of the exercises that is often suggested by counselors and coaches is to ask your friends what they think of you. It’s often a very positive and illuminating thing to do. After all, our friends like us! And it’s also illuminating about the friends, because the things they notice about you reflect what they care about. If they remark on your kindness and caring for others, it’s because that’s important to them. If they notice your shoes it’s because they are into shoes.
Here’s an ‘on-point’ example: Back in the 80’s I dated this really wonderful man, Bill. Bill was a car guy, big time. He had a gorgeous ‘Vette‘ that he babied and adored. At some point we noticed this really interesting thing. It was about the way we gave directions to folks about how to find some particular place. He gave directions with reference points of Gas Stations and Car Dealerships. I’m sure that those of you that know me will not be surprised to hear that my directions had to do with Grocery Stores and Restaurants. We each noticed and ‘honored’ what was important to us, what we loved and valued.
The point is that when someone makes a comment about you, judges you, criticizes you, it is alway much less about you and more about them. Something in their experience has been triggered. Something they have strong opinions about… something about them!
And here’s how and why this is useful to know. If, before any kind of challenging conversation or interaction, you can repeat to yourself, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me, it’s not…” you will be much more effective and calm in the exchange. Afterall, it’s actually not about you! It’s about their projection around you, or what you represent to them, or how they want you to be… but not actually about you. And that is true even when they say it is about you!
Huh? How can that be? I’m not saying you aren’t responsible for your actions. You are. But how others respond to them is their stuff not yours. This is good news/bad news. It’s less about us than we think. The real value here is that if you can hold the idea the this “isn’t about me” you can truly be more present, and effective in the conversation.
I believe that a really effective sweet spot is to be “100% committed and unattached, at the same time” because when we get “attached” we get muddled. And a great way to not get attached is to remember: “It’s not about me!”
Easier said than done, but well worth striving for and practicing, yes? How might your interactions with others be different with you knowing “it’s really not about me?”
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to play more with this idea give me a call 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com
We all have beliefs about money that we cling to, and when those beliefs get challenged, our reality also gets challenged. One of the fundamental, and in many ways “unspoken” beliefs about money has to do with the “socio-economic strata” that you and your family belong to.
There are places in the world where which level of society you belong to is crucial. For example, England still has the House of Lords. Other places practice less obvious but equally strident categorizing. I noticed when I lived in the South that the first question I was asked by new acquaintances was what housing development I lived in. The answer to this question told people what strata to put me in.
We like to think of ourselves as a “democratic” society, and in many ways we are. But when it comes to neighborhoods—and money—we have many levels.
There is an exceptionally strong internal compass to stay in our lane, and certainly to not rock the boat!
What if the only thing that actually kept us in our class or strata was the belief that a given strata was somehow where we belonged? Guess what? That belief is the only thing that really does keep us there, and it’s incredibly powerful. There are amazing statistics about people who win the lottery being back to the financial status they were in before winning within just a few years. Mismanagement and lack of financial acumen can be part of that, but I think it’s much more about being pushed into a money “strata” you don’t understand and aren’t sure how to fit into. These people somehow feel they don’t belong in the new place, so they find ways to sabotage themselves right back to where the came from, to where they think they “belong”. I remember once being reluctant to buy a house in a particular neighborhood. The voice inside my head said: “You’d have to get dressed and put on makeup to get the mail!” Definitely a step above my comfort zone.
Mostly, when we step outside of the norm, what comes with that stepping is a disruption of the old systems. Part of what holds many families together are common beliefs and practices around money. Many Depression Era families are proud of their ability to “keep body and soul together”. Being able to “get through the hard times” is a part of how they see and value their family. If someone in the family goes off and suddenly “makes good”, what does that say about the ones left behind? It might just say that they could have chosen differently too! And wouldn’t that be awkward? What if everyone had a choice?
In what ways does your “strata” keep you stuck, and what would you choose if you could? Have you even thought about how your clan and class keep you from pursuing new ideas? What if you could decide what you wanted, and go after it?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to explore the challenge of your Money Strata give me a call 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com
I’d really love for this to just be a bad Jeopardy category title — unfortunately it’s not! It’s more a hard-won cautionary tale.
By now we ALL are up to our butts in daily SPAM, phishing, and other nasty email stuff. I actually tracked it, and in February I received over 3000 emails that exemplify this. Yes, my spam filter goodies caught many of them, and I am now I am also adept at using ‘ignore’ and ‘junk’, not just ‘delete.’
Today’s story is a more twisted tale about my receiving lots of unwanted email. It’s about being inundated with ‘blog comments’ that aren’t comments. They are sales pitches, weird things, and some were even in cyrillic! This all started in January, and frankly it was driving me nuts!
I contacted my techno/puter genius and he came up with a solution to solve the problem. It was all about having people ‘sign in’ to the blog before leaving a comment, thus avoiding the robotic messy spammers. I would still maintain control on accepting their ‘membership’ in the blog, and approving their posts. I thought all was good…little did I know!
I didn’t really notice that I hadn’t had any sign-ups or comments until someone emailed me directly with a comment and mentioned that they couldn’t figure out how to leave a comment on the blog. Our next step was to include some language that we thought would clarify the process. After that I asked a couple of trusted friends to try it out. They got mired and stuck in it. Ouch!
Only then did I remember a very crucial thing — to not make it hard for fans or clients to engage with me! I’ve had some past experience in having clients irritated with me, when technology beyond my control wasn’t ‘friendly’, and certainly didn’t want to repeat that in any way!
It was about this time that I remembered that I had leapt in to the ‘apparent’ issue without really getting to the core problem first. We all do that, we are trained to do that. I remember when I was first exposed to working in a company, that the ‘rule’ was to not bring a problem to your manager without also having a solution for it. Old habits die hard, and even though I now know better, the pressure of being uber spammed had me ‘regress under stress’, and my puter person had taken that stress at face value. Oops!
As I got back to the core issue, which was making it easy for real people to leave a comment, the clouds started to part.
There was a fundamental flaw in my initial interpretation of the flood of spamsters fussing on my blog. I thought it was because of the huge increase in this stuff I was experiencing everywhere. I was wrong. Turns out that a handy app/plugin named Akismet was the culprit. I knew I had this and assumed it was something that was free for everybody…after all, I’ve had the website for a while now. And on WordPress it said that the software was ‘up to date’. What I finally discovered, with the brilliant insight of my tech person, was that the software was up to date, but the license wasn’t! Really! Yipes! God forbid that should be made clear to those of us that don’t speak fluent programmer-gab!
Makes sense though, everything went whacking in January. It probably was when the previous license expired or a free trial ended. And then all hell broke loose. And near as I can tell no one ever notified me that I had it on a trial, or that the trial period or license had expired.
So now things are all good. You don’t have to ‘join’ anything to leave a message. No passwords for commenters. No confusion for my readers. I have paid for a year of magic Akismet. It is catching and marking as SPAM about 20 ‘comments’ a day from the bad guys…yippee!
It cost some money, took way too much time, disrupted some clients, and probably caused some general consternation that I don’t even know about for some people.
Sometimes, I must admit, I do wonder if all this ‘progress’ is really worth it? And in hindsight, I do appreciate the reminder — or perhaps we should call it “swift kick in the arse”— to dig deeper around what the issue really is before I leap into a solution!
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to kvetch about SPAM give me a call 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com
Throughout my life there have been many times when I feel like Cassandra. She was a Greek prophetess cursed by Apollo so that her prophecies, though true, were fated never to be believed. For me it has often been about stating what I felt was obvious and having others look at me like I’d just landed from some other planet.
One of those areas in which I notice I have a really different perspective is ‘why people get fired.’ It looks like they got fired because they made mistakes, embezzled from the company, or didn’t do the job effectively. My experience in corporate land says that’s not so.
Before I detail this out let me say that I’ve only been fired once, from my very first job. I have, however, fired people, seen others being fired, and heard a myriad of stories from friends and clients about being fired. I know this really isn’t about Money, and yet I keep running into this with clients. My point is to expose that this does happen, and warn you so you don’t get caught in it yourself.
You may have a very different opinion, and here’s what I notice: What gets you fired is not really about the work you do, or don’t do. It’s how you fit in the culture of the company. It about whether or not the people in power like you—and by the way, those people may not be in the top slots on the org chart! It’s a system thing. Are you a fit? Or do you stand out?
In many ways, a Company—just like a Country—has a personality. In order to fit in and be successful you need to align with that personality. If you don’t, you won’t last.
Oh, they will find a more plausible reason to let you go than that you don’t fit. But nevertheless, it will really be that you just don’t fit.
In my experience if you get hired and really aren’t competent at the job you will be let go within a short time—six months or less. If you’ve been there awhile and somehow now they don’t like you, and you are sensing impending doom, know that it’s about that you don’t fit in the current culture, or perhaps in where the culture is going.
The irony is that NO ONE actually talks about this. Thus my Cassandra thing! I worked in various Corporate lands from 1970 to 2000 and found this to be present everywhere. As a manager I admit that I would find other issues/mistakes to come up with a viable reason for firing the person. They were all true and valid. However the real reason was that they just didn’t fit.
If someone fit in the culture those mistakes would be forgiven or overlooked. If you don’t fit you aren’t forgiven. Certainly in some ways this is awful, it’s like cliques in High School. And it’s what is happening.
So my suggestion is to look for kindred spirits and places you ‘fit’ as a person, as much as you look for a job that suits your skills. It’s no fun to stay where we don’t fit, and it’s more than likely not worth the money however much it is.
And if you are in a place that you did fit, and somehow the culture has changed, dig deeper and see if your being suddenly always in trouble, or let go has to do with that… there may be some financial compensation for you if the game has changed. For example if you recently got a raise or a promotion, and then get transferred to another boss who fires you, there is something else going on—something for which you may be able to get some compensation.
Bottom line — fitting in is often way more important than being competent. Just sayin’
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to chat about Cassandra things of your own, or how to navigate these ‘not performance based’ problems give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
The typical answer to that question is an emphatic YES, THEY DO! Many times in a presentation I have asked: “How many of you have created a budget?” — most of the hands in the room go up. Then I ask: “After you created the budget , how many of you actually ever looked at it again?” — almost all of the hands in the room go down! My guess is that, as one of my ‘followers’, creating and using budgets isn’t your favorite method of managing your money? Okay, maybe I understated that: You probably think of a budget as a form of torture, right? You are not alone!
Before I get into exploring that, just in case you are worried that I’m going to end this blog suggesting that you use or create a traditional budget, have no fear! What I’m actually going to do is explain why budgets don’t work for you, and suggest some other options.
Budgets can and do work… for analytical types. You know them, they are those “logic first” people, the ones who create spread sheets and data bases for fun. They are great people. They are historians. They like looking at all the data and coming to conclusions. Good for them. If you are one of them, you probably already have and enjoy using a budget.
If you aren’t one of those analytical types, all it means is that you are not happy crunching numbers. You might be more ‘feeling’ oriented, more emotionally based. Or you might be more ‘in the moment’ than interested in history and trends. If that’s the case one of the biggest problems with a budget for you is that it’s after the fact. What I mean is that you don’t have control in the moment. You do what you do, spend what you spend. Then you come home and as you load your spending into the budget spreadsheet you have either succeeded or failed. By then you don’t really remember what your thoughts or emotions were when you were making the purchase, so you feel a bit lost. Around this point is where most people feel shame, judgement, or even some bit of failure.
And there’s the rub, the thing that makes us batty. It feels like something happened to you that you just couldn’t control because you are looking at the event before or after, instead of when it’s actually happening. That’s why it feels so upsetting. You are judging your action outside of the time when the actual choice was made. At best you have a memory of what it felt like, not a clear vision of the choice.
If you are more of a big picture, emotional and/or an in the moment person, analysis after the fact won’t actually help you change your behavior. It may make you feel bad about it, but it doesn’t give you any insights.
What will help you make better money choices is to find a way to be conscious of what you are spending—and why you are spending it—right in the moment that it is happening! Make a list of things that often motivate your choices in the moment. Things like:
- Being tired, hungry
- Feeling lonely, angry
- Wanting something new, an emotional lift, some fun
- Anxious to just get it done, settling for less than what you wanted
There are myriad possibilities, and you know what your go-to ones are. Write them on a card or note them on your phone. While you are standing in line to pay for your items, check if any of your purchases hit one of those spots? and then make a choice to either buy it or not. Understand what you are up to, make choices that truly work for you both in the moment and the long run.
A system like this, or my GOSH Model (which you can find on other blogs of mine) WILL help you be more conscious of your spending. That’s what this whole budgeting thing is truly about — being conscious, aware, and purposeful in your spending.
Focus on having your spending and how you use your money reflect what you really care about. Your money will reflect your choices.
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to explore just how you can let go of a budget and still have sound money practices give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
What if both the idea of change, and its implementation could be less taxing than we imagine? Actually not change as in coins, but change as in the verb. Let’s explore that!
All sorts of things in life can be intimidating. As humans we particularly like habit and routine. It’s easier than looking at everything with “new” eyes all the time, truly! So perhaps our inherent ‘risk aversion’ has gotten tangled up with an aversion to change?
Additionally our handy, dandy Inner Critics make change seem daunting and scary. They tell us that all sorts of bad and complicated things will happen. Then they tell us that we can’t change, that it’s too hard to change, that we aren’t capable of change—over and over and over again.
And big change is challenging, and arduous, I agree. The new question is: “what if it’s actually about small change, instead of big change?” Radical idea, eh?
One client I’m working with is in the midst of the discovery that you don’t have to change everything to be more effective. A small change can be very effective on many levels.
Here’s an idea to embrace. We don’t actually have to start over from scratch, we may just want to tweak things a bit! We each have unique talents and strengths. We are each a unique compilation of possibilities. There is strength and value in that uniqueness. Getting more effective results is more about small changes than trying to start from scratch. Additionally if you try to change ‘everything’ about yourself, you are actually more likely to zoom right past and thus keep the part that’s not working, leaving it still not working.
When you lean on the support of what you are good at, it’s much easier to shift or change the parts that aren’t working well. You are coming from strength, which is really effective. One of the crucial aspects to making small changes work comes down to figuring out where the ‘sticky part’ is!
What I’m really trying to say here is that you don’t have to crawl through broken glass or become a different person to find more fulfillment or inner peace. It’s more about narrowing in on small changes that can have a big impact.
Those changes are mostly around what we make up! We make up stuff about:
- How we are ‘supposed’ to be
- What others want or need from us
- What others think about us
- How we judge ourselves
Which all comes down to a large pile of judgement (Inner Critic) which makes changes look big, hard, scary, and downright impossible. And yet some changes are truly just small shifts. Now those small shifts that make a big difference often seem to be in the land of boundaries. Remember those? Those handy little fences that manage everyone’s expectations!
So how about experimenting with making some small changes, and setting some simple boundaries between yourself and others? What might happen then? Oh and what might you do with those super talents of yours if you had a wee bit less distraction and judgement circling you?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like to explore just what boundaries to set where give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
Money is one of those areas where we have all made some mistakes.
- We have bought things that didn’t work.
- We have spent too much money on stuff we never used.
- We have given people presents they didn’t like.
- We have lost money on the sale of a house
- We have gotten “taken to the cleaners” in a divorce.
- We have run up charges and interest on our credit cards.
And yet we are mostly still here, and kicking!
There are a couple of things I want to clear up about these ‘errors in judgement‘ and ‘mistakes‘ we all make with our money.
First, you got through them ! The problems may have been messy and costly, but you survived them! It’s one of the things I think our ancestors that went through the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl got trapped in. They somehow missed that they made it through the troubles, and that they didn’t happen again in the same way. We tend to practice “one trial learning” with many things. We tend to either try and hide our head in the sand or decide it will always be like it was, and avoid getting anywhere near the part we think is scary. We stay trapped.
The other thing I’d really like my readers to consider is the value of the messing up. Huh, you say! How can there be value in having gone through that terrible time, that mess?
It’s all about learning! As humans we actually learn by making mistakes, by being imperfect. You don’t just get on a bike and ride it the first time. You wobble and pedal and fall off. The same process happens a bunch in other aspects of our lives, including money. We screw up, make mistakes, and learn. If we don’t make mistakes we don’t learn!
But instead of accepting that we make mistakes, sometimes in order to try and avoid “errors”, we try to be — or appear to be — perfect… yipes! Just how patient are you with yourself? Do you keep trying to attain something close to perfection to avoid judgement? And do you notice that most of the judgement come from your inner critic, instead of the people around you?
Many of us have this thing in our heads about trying to be ‘perfect‘. I truly think it’s one of the traps our Inner Critics use to keep us stuck in a rut. Somehow we think we are supposed to be perfect without practice, failing, or learning. Instead I really like the perspective that Maya Angelou put forth: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
We do recover, we do persevere, and we do learn.
Money is just one of the assets that we ‘spend’ while we are learning. Money, Time, and Energy all get spent. And I’d like to suggest that Money is really just a reflection of the other two: Time and Energy.
Here’s the really interesting question. How much time, energy, and maybe even money do you spend trying to be perfect, protecting the idea that you are almost perfect, or even hiding that you aren’t perfect? What if instead of getting trapped by perfection, you actually celebrated your mistakes as ways to learn? What if it’s really about focusing on the learning, and not beating yourself up about that mistake you made?
It’s really likely that your attempt at perfection is a reaction to some really ‘old stuff’ that actually is no longer present in your life, right? Like avoiding being judged or lectured.
Seems to me trying to be perfect has us holding on to, and getting stuck in, our errors in judgement, instead of learning from them, perhaps laughing them off, and most certainly moving on… what say you?
Shell Tain, the Untanlger
If you’d like some support letting go of trying for perfection, just give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.
There’s this fascinating thing that most of us do: we try to talk change into happening. We depend more on what people say than on what they do! It gets us in trouble! Also, I think it gets us in internal trouble too. We keep trying to fix or change things with words, instead of—and in place of—actions. Somehow we think if we just keep asking and talking about how we need or want things to be different, they will be different. Based on results, I’m not sure about that. In fact, I’m more and more convinced that it’s both frustrating and ineffective.
Actually I have found, over time, that the old adage “actions speak louder than words” is well worth heeding! Talking is a good thing in many ways. It truly helps us understand what is going on, and it supports our coming up with strategies and ideas. However, it doesn’t actually change things without corresponding action.
Let’s get real here. You know that you have told yourself over and over that something needed to change… and that it didn’t actually change until you behaved differently, right?
In addition much of this ‘talking’ thing is based in our hope that others will change if we just talk to them. If we just somehow explain how much they have hurt us, surely they will change! It’s a thing that in Coachland is often called “the dream underneath the complaint”. Surely the person you are talking to will see your pain, understand how important this is to you, and change? Kinda not. In all likelihood they are actually waiting for you to to change.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, on it goes, over and over.
There is a way out, though, radical as it may sound! It’s about you behaving differently, instead of talking more. It’s really kind of fascinating. It’s a system thing. As you change how you respond, and how you act, eventually the system changes too. What that means is that if you behave differently, people will treat you differently—eventually! Initially they will try to bring you back to the old dance. It is, after all, an ingrained habit. If, however, you persist in new ways of ‘being’ in the situation, others will either change with you or disengage entirely.
Meanwhile, you’ll be actually expressing who you are, and what you want, through your actions instead of having the same conversations over and over.
This reminds me of a friend I had long ago in South Carolina. She had this adorable yet mischievous little girl. The little girl had done something wrong, and her Mom told her that they were going to have to go in the other room and talk about it. The little girl’s pleading response was “Oh, no Mommy! Not the talk! Anything but the talk!” There’s more wisdom in the little girl’s response than is immediately apparent. “The talk” doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t give her new actions to try.
Personally I’ve been trying out this place of “being and doing” what I want to have happen, instead of talking about it in several places. I’m finding it does require patience and fortitude—and that it is quite effective.
As we approach a new year, we often set intentions or resolutions. How does this idea of less talking and more doing factor into what you want to change or improve?
Shell Tain, The Untangler
If you’d like some help in this dance of shifting from talking to doing, just give me a call at 503-258-1630 or check out my website at www.sensiblecoaching.com.