We sure do get this money stuff tangled up, don’t we? This is the place where I untangle pieces of it. Most of it’s about money while some of it’s about something else that strikes my interest. All of it is about noticing how things get knotted up and how to untangle the knots. Oh, and if you have a topic you’d like me to explore, just let me know. I’ll be happy to give it a good shake and see what untangles.
Loyalty is a good thing. We seek it in all our relationships, and we practice it in return. We want to be loyal and we want others to be loyal to us. The question to ponder here is where might loyalty actually work against you? Specifically where does it have you spending money to be ‘loyal‘ that doesn’t actually align with balancing your self-care with your desire to care for others? And where are you possibly being taken advantage of by companies and associations that rely on your loyalty, even when they haven’t ‘earned‘ it?
It’s a tricky thing. I had a client once who was a major shopper. In truth she was in it for the ‘hunt‘, and had a whole room full of bags of things she’d bought and never used. Many of them she had bought at a particular department store that had ‘given‘ her a credit card with their name on it. She felt really honored and special that they had given her the card. It made her one of the ‘in crowd‘. She went there often, really loved their customer service, and piled up many charges on the card. The card had a much higher interest rate than her other credit cards. She was great at the buying… not so much at paying on time. Oh, and she didn’t want to ‘insult‘ the store by returning things, so she didn’t. It was all about a ‘personal‘ relationship she was imagining she was having with a store. The store was doing its job well. She just wasn’t noticing that she was confusing her personal desire—for relationship—with their techniques of building loyalty. She was stunned when I pointed out that the clerk that was helping her didn’t actually know she had a store credit card until it was time to pay. The clerk was giving good service regardless. And she also missed that no actual person would feel hurt and disappointed if she returned things that she didn’t use.
Together we did get her out of this pattern, but the bigger question this raises is something like “Where are you assuming more ‘caring’ from a company or professional than is really there?”
Yes, every company or pro you work with wants you to keep coming back and using them, myself included! And you need to figure out whether the ‘relationship‘ is really going both ways, or if it is one-sided.
There is something in this mix of our need for actual human connection that is being hindered by the constant pseudo connection of Social Media and cell phones. I recently sat across from a family having lunch at my local Sushi place: Mom, Dad and an about-9-year-old child. All three were on their phones instead of talking to each other. They stopped the phones when the food came, but still didn’t talk.
Maybe it’s just that there is so little actual connection going on that we don’t recognize that the ‘connection‘ we have with the person who cuts our hair isn’t the same as the one with our friend we went to the movies with.
I’m extremely loyal to companies that give me good service for a fair price. And I’m not tolerant and won’t do business with those that are rude. I ‘vote with my feet‘—and do it as a reflection of my values… what I care about. I care about how we all treat each other. I care about fairness. And where I spend my money really does reflect what I’m up to. Am I trying to fulfill some need in a place where it really can’t happen? Or am I really having an exchange that enriches both of us?
The answer is different for each of us. There are things I care about—and might even be ‘extravagant’ with—that mean nothing to you, and visa versa. I’m just wanting to make sure that you are getting what you are seeking, and finding the balancing point—that your time, energy, and money are going toward what you truly care about. Give it a ponder and see what you notice…
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like some support with the pondering give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
A client recently asked me about the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of my becoming a coach. In thinking about the ‘road’ I took to becoming a coach, it occurred to me that the story and what I learned along the way might be of value to others.
There really are two separate stories tied up in my career path: the one about the Money road and the one about the Coaching road, which eventually connected. At this point, I’m going to focus on the Coaching one — Who knows, maybe later I’ll write about the Money one!
Allow me to wax philosophically a bit here. There is the distinction that Micheal Meade makes between Fate and Destiny. Fate being the family, culture and circumstances we are born into. Our fate is what leads to whole families of Doctors, or Teachers, and such. Destiny is more about our innate unique personality. The talents our family never really seems to understand. For me the fate piece was the Money road that had me become a CFO, while the destiny piece was much more the fuel for me embracing coaching—following a natural talent to a new place.
Certainly anyone can become a Personal Coach, Life Coach, Health Coach, Business Coach… whatever kind of coach they want to be. And I think that the seed of being a gifted and effective ‘coach’ is something we inherently have. It certainly was that way for me. As early as Junior High (Middle School) I found people coming to me with problems. They wanted someone to talk to, someone who would listen, support them, give some suggestions, and not judge them. I seemed to fit that bill. It wasn’t something I actively sought, it just happened. And it kept happening. Of course, like most things, it was a double-edged sword. I found that they often wanted my support, but less often asked me to hang out with their crowd. C’est la vie.
Frankly this thing of being a safe and trusted ‘ear’ stayed with me throughout the years.
And then in the early ’90s there was this incredible opportunity I had. I got involved with YRUU (Young Religious Unitarian Universalists). YRUU was a youth led program for teens ranging from Middle School through High School. Many churches had a Youth Group with supported by several Adult Advisors. There were also District and National events and conferences led by youth with adult support. It was a fascinating and delightful thing that unfortunately has gone by the wayside.
Through most of the ’90s I was heavily involved with YRUU on all levels: local, district, national… and I even wrote the “Youth Advisor Handbook” (available in various reprints on Amazon and even Ebay). The point was to really encourage the youth to run things themselves. The advisor role was to support, listen, and create an atmosphere that allowed the youth to actually come up with their own solutions. The youth never ceased to impress me. They were often wiser than the adults. Certainly it took patience to let them lead—I learned to count to 10, and then do it again, and again! Giving them the opportunity to fix the problem on their own gave them practical experience. And that is a fundamental tenet of the concept of coaching… that the client at some level actually knows—and has the capacity to solve—their problem.
This was a perfect place for me. The only frustration was dealing with the adults and parents who wanted to jump in and control things. They had a hard time truly trusting that the youth could make good decisions.
At this point there was no such thing as Personal Coaching, and no way to make a living doing this (it was all volunteer work). However, around this same time along came Thomas Leonard. He was an EST employee in the ’80s and founded Coach U and the ICF (International Coach Federation) in 1995. He spearheaded the radical idea that people could seek help and support for their lives without needing “therapy”—that we all had the capacity to do better.
When I heard about coaching in the late ’90s , I was naturally intrigued and went to a presentation. It sounded great, and at that time looked like a hobby. How was anyone going to make a living doing this?
By late 2000 I was hooked by the idea and started training with CTI (Coaches Training Institute). This is what I was meant to do, what I’ve always done: untangled the knot, dug deeper, asked the questions. Now I had a platform and credentials for doing it. Fortunately for me the Money road had given me a bunch of business skills to help build my practice. It all came together for me.
There is something truly magical about finding the work that truly makes your heart sing. As you read this you’ll notice there were hints all along the way, coaching and untangling things comes naturally to me. It’s why I’ve been at this now for almost 20 years… it’s frankly the ONLY career I’ve ever had that never bores me!
Look back on your road and see where the clues are… is there something calling you to a different path?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
If you’d like some support in sussing out your ‘destiny’ give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
Have you every wished you had a business partner in your solopreneur business? What if the business itself could be that partner? If you are an entrepreneur, if your pay is ‘commission’ based, if you are self-employed — your business is your partner!
One of the pitfalls of having an independent business is that it’s just you, right? You make all the decisions. Sure you may have some outside help for things like accounting and keeping all the technology going. Hopefully you also use some outside support around marketing. And at the end of the day it’s just you.
I’d like you to consider a radical idea, one that will actually improve your business! Think of the business itself as an entity outside of you! Even imagine it as a person. First allow your mind to dream her up. See her there about three feet in front of you? What does she look like? What is she wearing? What is her name? Is it the name of your business or something else?
Imagine what it would be like to have a partner and ally in your business that you could talk to. Someone you could brainstorm ideas with. Someone that is right there with you every step of the way. Frankly most of us ‘talk’ to ourselves anyway — what would be the value of purposeful conversation with your business?
When you start thinking of your business as a person or entity things shift. It allows you not only to give different attention to your business, but to also have a clearer separation between it and your personal life. That’s a very good thing!
It’s very easy for us to get tangled in having the feeling that our business is personal—that people’s response to the business is to be taken personally. And that’s a trap. Clients see the ‘business’ you differently than friends and family do, right? You need to have some separation between those different roles in life to keep sane!
I have had some clear personal experience in this area. As the Money Knot Untangler, people naturally associate me with money. That’s a good thing for business. However, when you find people backing away from you when you are introduced because you represent that scary money thing, you start to worry that you might smell bad! I’ve had that experience many, many times. My ‘Business Babe‘ part laughs at that and thinks it’s great. Personally it took some getting used to in order to stop feeling like no one wanted to dance with me at the school dance.
In case you are thinking this is just weird and woo-woo, allow me to remind you that even our government thinks of Corporations as entities. Just sayin’!
How about having little meetings with your business? Asking what it needs? What’s working well? What needs improvement? Oh, and together you both might actually gather some data about what’s going on by looking at the money stuff. Money’s job really is to provide information. The twist here is that your business may see and interpret the information in a different way that creates new opportunities, or smooths out rough spots. It’s worth a shot, right?
By creating a real relationship with your business you will make both of your lives easier, and may actually get a level of support you just haven’t found before. Give it a try. At least these days when we talk to ourselves out in the world folks just assume we are on our cell phone, so no worries there! Remember that you are still the President/Owner of the business, and this ally is here to help you. See what you two can come up with. And if you need a bit of help mediating the difference between what you want and what the business wants, I’m here to help!
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Let me know if you’d like help creating a relationship with your business. Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
Who do you go to for information? These days we often dive into the ‘web’ for information, and I’m guessing you also have people who you seek out for their knowledge and expertise. Long ago my family taught me about this in some interesting and amusing ways.
First let me tell you how I learned to bake bread. My paternal Grandmother, Dossie, was a cook—like ran a lunch room, catered meals for 100+ by herself cook. And she baked, wow did she bake: rolls, cinnamon buns, bread… everything! In my 20s I started to learn to bake, and it does require finesse and practice. The interesting thing was how she tutored me in this. She couldn’t really explain what to do. She’d say things like “you knead the dough until it feels right.” Huh? What she could to was diagnose a problem in seconds, even over the phone. So that’s how I learned the art form of baking from her. I’d call and tell her how the loaf looked, and she’d tell me I didn’t let it rise long enough, or I didn’t have enough yeast in it, or a myriad of other tips. She was a very reliable source for baking knowledge, and I got to be a pretty good baker. (As a sad little aside, I have had to mostly give up baking, at least for myself—gluten and yeast are no longer my friends.)
Even earlier when I was in Junior High School—which you may think of as “Middle School”—there was another resource lesson. Actually it was several lessons in one event. My dad was the kinda guy that wanted you to think, and have a good reason for what ever you did, or asked for. We had this Funk and Wagnalls encyclopedia. It was many very small books. One day I came to him and told him that we needed a new encyclopedia. “Why would that be?” he asked. “Well, it’s because I have to do this report on WWII for my Social Studies class and our encyclopedia was published in 1937,” I responded. A new encyclopedia was purchased right away. I needed a better source, and he readily agreed!
What I took away from both of these early examples—and other life experiences—was that you really need to be careful who you go to for information. It’s not that people don’t have opinions on a variety of things—they do. But do they have expertise, a base of knowledge about the subject, or wisdom in that area?
I think we get ourselves in trouble when we ask well-meaning folks who don’t actually have expertise in the topic about things. For example, we tend to ask colleagues about how to attract clients. I’ve seen it within the coaching community for years. It’s not that talking with colleagues about your business is all bad… but how about talking with the people who you actually want as clients instead? Finding out what they want? Oh and finding a sales and marketing expert to help you attract those people?
When it came time to upgrade my website I worked with Jerry Fletcher, Brand Poobah and he started with having me gather data about my clients, and then I had conversations with the clients I really worked well with about what brought them to me. I needed to know what the clients wanted and needed in order to hire me. And I needed someone to help me give them that.
I know what I do well and where I need help. And when I need help, I look for someone who is a reliable, deep source in that area I don’t know about. We all have different talents and knowledge. I don’t need to know everything, what I do need to know is how to find and expert and when to ask for help. It saves me bunches of time and money, and also helps me learn about new things.
Where might an expert help you do better?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Let me know if I can either be a source or help you find one. Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
How do you get ‘ready’ for work? What do you do to prepare yourself to give a presentation? Or to have a challenging conversation? How do you don the mantle of your career?
I got intrigued with some of the creative ways we do this while reading a recent blog by my friend, Rachel Boehm. In The Clothes Make the Man she talked about the subtle messages our clothes send to others and ourselves. Part of her sharing was this great story about how she felt more strong and capable when wearing high heels, so she donned some to plunge into fixing the clogged kitchen sink. The heels helped her get the job done!
Of course all this is metaphor. The symbols help us ‘stand’ in the role. No wonder It’s often about shoes and feet. It sure was for Dorothy—from following the yellow brick road to clicking the heels of her ruby slippers together. We feel different in flip-flops than heels.
For some of us it’s a conscious act. Long ago in the ’80s I had a co-worker named Martha. Part of her job as the Finance Manager in that company was to make collection calls. Trust me, that can be a daunting thing for both parties on the call. The way she gathered her personal power to make those calls was by wearing her pearls.
What we are really doing with all this is both making a declaration, and gathering talents and strengths together. The shoes, or jewelry, or whatever just help to remind us. Additionally by using them, seeing them, feeling them we open those neural pathways in our brains where all the positive association around them live.
I take my maternal grandmother with me everywhere I go in the form of a ring that was hers. As I do that I bring her qualities to life in me—things like fortitude, kindness, and even poise—which I need more of! When I’m doing a talk or presentation my other grandmother brings her feisty, fearless self to me. Together the talismans and ancestors all support us.
What do you don to set the tone and take up the mantle?
Oh, and just for grins, what talisman or item of clothing or jewelry might help you uncover and rely on a part of you that would be more helpful and effective with money? And please, don’t make it a green eye shade… that would likely have the opposite effect!
I invite you to become even more conscious of this idea of creating intention through symbols that serve you.
Shell Tain, the Untangler
I’d love to hear what item works well for you. Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
This year is almost done, we are about to cross the finish line — and begin again! Like most of our finish lines, it’s an arbitrary thing. There really is little difference between December 31st and January 1st. Of course there are rituals around these two days, and traditions, and they still are each 24 hours long.
We actually celebrate this ‘finish’ every year. The year will finish no matter what we do. And yet there is a huge pile of goals we declare and never ‘finish.’ Why is that?
We distract ourselves, we procrastinate, we make up weird rituals around things… on and on it goes.
Recently a client turned me on to this very aptly named book called: “Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done”, by Jon Acuff. It’s a WONDERFUL book about the tangle we get ourselves into in ‘trying’ to get things done. I highly recommend that you read it… NOW! It’s fun and amusing and dead on. He comes at this issue through the idea of Perfectionism, and how it scares us and holds us back.
Another book along a similar path that I find equally compelling is “The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles”, by Steven Pressfield. He’s writing about the same result of not getting things done, only instead of centering it around perfectionism, his nemesis is Resistance. This is a favorite ‘bathroom book’ of mine—a book with short bits to be read in several minutes! He’s less outright humorous, perhaps more sardonic and witty, and absolutely on point!
Here’s my take on both of these books, and why we need them. They are full of strategies and tactics for us to, at the very least contain, and possibly even curtail our “inner critics”. This handy, dandy persistent nagging voice in our heads is responsible for us staying in ruts, and not embracing our dreams.
You’ve heard me talk about it before, and no doubt will hear my musings on the topic again. I do so because it’s crucial to you living a life that is fulfilling.
A short review of your critic’s game plan:
- It wants to keep you safe
- In this moment you are safe (i.e., not on fire)
- It wants to block anything that might create change (i.e., change could make things worse)
- Distraction is a very good technique keep you where you are!
Can you see this pattern at work in your life? You get close to doing something that might ‘change things’ and then somehow get distracted, or confused, or mired in the process. That is very likely your Inner Critic keeping you firmly planted in the doldrums!
Part of the value of both the books listed is that they give you some practical tactics to break through that cycle and create the life you want.
Also, please note, this is NOT new stuff. We, as humans, have always had these challenges in staying stuck in places that don’t work for us. One of the main reasons for a ‘coach’ is to help us break through that and create the life we want.
So to finish out 2018 and start 2019, how about giving yourself some strategies through one of these books—or other ones you find—that will give you some new tools and perspectives? It just might change things for you!
Ka-ching to a Cool Yule!
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Feel free to share any other books that may have helped you avoid the critic’s traps. Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
In September of 1943, at the tender age of 18, my dad was drafted. At that point, my Grandmother, Dossie, started a ‘Scrap Book‘. She wrote about what was happening and gathered telegrams, letters, newspaper clippings—all sorts of information. Dossie was not exactly ‘organized’. She was a dynamic, wonderful whirlwind of a woman, who had a quirky nature. Often the description on the back of a family photo read something like “all of us“—which was true, but not necessarily helpful.
Even the book’s history is intriguing. Apparently the book and all the accompanying bits of paper, photos, and such were in a cardboard box. Early in my parents marriage, my mother started to throw out the box. To ‘make up’ for this egregious error, she took the whole mess to be ‘laminated’. That’s good news and bad news. The laminator paid little attention to chronology and backs of pages. I’ve tried several times to ‘fix’ it, and it’s determined to stay a bit chaotic… but then it is about the most chaotic thing to ever happen to my dad and his family.
He ended up in the Army Air Corps, serving as a tail gunner on a B17. On December 7, 1944 his plane was shot down after a bombing run over Germany. Parachuting out, he was eventually turned over by Hitler Youth who found him hiding in an elderly woman’s basement. He ended up in the Stalag Luft 1 POW camp in Northern Germany. The camp was liberated on May 1, 1945. My dad weighed 110 lbs.
I’m just giving you the basics. There are many stories to tell about his time in the war, and also about how it was for my family back home. What I really wanted to write about today is this fascinating tidbit I recently found in the book. And guess what? It’s about money!
On May 20, 1945 my dad wrote a letter home. It was his first letter since being liberated, and most of it was a recap starting with his being shot down. I think the reason for the rehash is that this was the first letter that he was able to write that was only censored by Americans, and not his captors.
At the end of the letter he wrote: “Deposit $100.00 in the Wyoming Loan and Trust for I lost a bet and wrote a check on that bank. All My Love, AC ‘Slug’ Stone” My first response to this was to laugh out loud! It’s so my dad.
Here he is, a young man of 20, who has only been ‘free’ nine days, and he wants to make sure he honors a debt! Amazing, and yet perfect.
So back in those days you could literally write a check on a cocktail napkin. Who knows, the one he wrote may have been on one! He wanted to make sure that his check didn’t bounce. It’s impressive.
And here’s the check. It was actually cashed at the bank on July 12, 1945 so it took some time. It’s a counter check. Just a blank typed form with the information hand written in. This is not the original check, it’s the bank making up a check for their records. The signatures are also not original.
There is also an intriguing piece in the way he made the request. It was a simple request, with little explanation. Which tells me (of course I kinda know this about my dad) that him making a bet was not a remarkable thing. Yet this was a large bet. $100 in 1945 was a major chunk of change. I did a bit of exploring and discovered that it would be about a $1,395 bet today. Yipes!
So here’s this 20-year-old kid, who has just been freed from a terrifying experience. I’m sure there were times he thought he’d never make it out of the camp. With all that, top of his list is honoring his bet? I can’t think of a clearer representation of what I mean when I say that Money is Reflective.
And here’s the kicker. There is no record as to what he bet on. It will forever remain a mystery. Trust me, if I do end up in some future existence where I get to see him again, one of my first questions will now be: “What DID you bet on, Dad?”
Shell Tain, the Untangler
How is your money reflective? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
For most people the whole point of coaching is to change something, do something different. In order to do that, we have to actually stretch and step outside of our ‘box’. We all have a particular inner force that—to say the least—inhibits change. It’s the Inner Critic.
We all have one. It’s not a new idea. Monkey mind, gremlin, saboteur—all the same thing. It’s that voice that tries valiantly to keep you SAFE. The problem really is that it has a really strange perspective of safety. Sort of goes like this: “If you are not truly in imminent danger, why rock the boat. Just hang out here, after all it’s safe.” That can sound sensible, and at the same time it can be soul crushing. Maybe you are miserable in your work, or relationship… but you aren’t actually on fire, it could be worse! So we stay and plod on.
Remember the definition of insanity that is about doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting the results to be different? That is what we want to avoid because it’s not effective. And yet that handy Inner Critic thinks where you are is fine, okay, good enough… poo bah!
I have written before about the critic, and seeing it as a signal that you are actually embracing change. I know that idea is hard to get our arms around, and yet it’s really valid. If you Inner Critic is calm and happy it basically means you are on the hamster wheel.
“Yeah, but,” you say, “what has all this got to do with the title of this blog? – Beware the “Yeah, but…?” One of your Critic’s biggest tools to keep you ‘safe’ is to distract you. After all when you are distracted you miss things, you get sidelined, you drift away from your dreams and goals. That’s where the “Yeah, but…” comes in. Just when you start to explore an idea, up pops a “Yeah, but…” to stop you in your tracks. It’s one of the things I really listen for with clients.
Somewhere, most of us got really sidelined and confused about how to dream, explore, and investigate new ideas. This concept used to be called Brain Storming and one of the primary rules of brain storming was that you weren’t allowed to “Yeah, but…” it! Why? Because the “Yeah, but…” distracts and halts the idea.
These days we seem to think that we have to bring up all the possible problems and objections right at the beginning of building an idea. Somehow it’s a fairness or objectivity thing. Nope! It’s a distraction technique that shuts down your dreaming right at the get go! Sure, as you pursue a dream and actually start to make it real, obstacles and problems will arise. And you’ll cope with them. You’ll get clever. You’ll change the design. Maybe even change the whole project. It’s all good and part of the creative process.
And you’ll never get that far if you let in the “Yeah, but…” voice early in the process.
Bottom line? Beware the “Yeah, but…!” Gather questions to ask yourself when it shows up. Things like:
- When does it show up? Early in the process? Midway?
- Is it a constructive comment, or one that blocks the process?
- How distracting is it?
The biggest question really is: “Do you want your Inner Critic’s fears to keep you where you are, or do you want to venture into new territory?” It’s up to you. Being aware of the “Yeah, but…” is a good place to gain clarity on what you are up to!
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Want to shift out of letting your “Yeah, but…” run you? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
We sure act like it is. And we’ve been of that opinion for centuries. Money, in and of itself, is somehow bad and evil. And yet, is it really?
I did a bit of digging for biblical verses about money. There are quite a few. Timothy, who got tagged with the ‘Money is the root of all evil’ thing actually said: ‘For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.’ That’s a bit different, isn’t it? Mostly the biblical references about money are really about what people do—or don’t do—with it.
Money, being that it’s actually just a ‘place holder’ of value, has gone through all sorts of changes throughout the ages. It’s been made of gold, paper, and now just numbers in the air. It has had kings and presidents on it, slogans about trusting in God, and pictures of monuments. It has been a symbol of all sorts of things—worthiness, power, ego, generosity, security, endurance—actually a never-ending list. It’s never-ending because all of it is made up.
Money has the value we give it. Whether it be the bigger bit of the ‘Economy’ or your own personal money, it’s all stuff we make up. It was initially a good idea: Rather than trading hay for a goat, and then the goat for cloth, and then the cloth for wheat, it was much easier to use a token with a value assigned to it. It started as a stand in for value. We now have attached a ton of meaning to the symbol of money that is just what we, and our culture has laid on it—not the actual Truth.
Money inherently has no value, or opinion, or goal. It only has the value we assign it. Notice that the value of the dollar moves and shifts? Money reflects the shift. Money doesn’t actually cause the shift. People set a value.
We say we want a house in this neighborhood, or a job that pays that, or a car that has this. Money reflects what we care about, what we want, what’s important to us.
Okay, by now you may be thinking: “Why does all this stuff Shell’s often saying—about money being what she call ‘reflective’ not ‘causative’—matter?” It matters because the way you think and feel about money has a direct effect on you! If you believe that rich people are bad, you will make sure not to become one. You are constantly telling and training your brain what to believe, all the time, every time you think or speak.
I have seen this over and over again. I’ve experienced it myself. Those words you use with yourself have power, and your brain will take them as Truth, and protect you from letting them ‘hurt’ you. The ONLY thing that is true about money is that it reflects what you choose to think about it and do with it.
What do you think and feel about money? Really, answer that question. It’s important, because money will reflect those thoughts back to you. If down deep you think it’s a big struggle and you can never win at it, you will be right!
Changing that thinking isn’t easy. You and the entire planet have been making up things about money forever. However there is an easy way to start the process. Get clear on what you actually, deep down, believe about money. What are those statements that just pop into your head about it? Like ‘it doesn’t grow on trees!’ What does that even mean to you? The first step is always to acknowledge the problem.
Once you get clear on those deep-seated beliefs, the next questions to ponder are: “What is the cost of that belief? What am I missing by thinking that way? How could this be different?”
Changing the way you think about money may be the best gift you ever give yourself. Give it a try! Maybe you’ll find out that it’s not really money’s fault afterall.
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Want to chat about changing your money thinking? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a Libra? You know, born in October, the scales thing. Maybe it’s deeper than that? It seems like for me it’s always about seeking balance. Notice I didn’t say finding balance, I said seeking it. That’s because it’s illusive and fleeting.
One of the things that fascinates me in working with clients is our very human predilection to have black/white, on/off, good/bad thinking. We are so driven in that direction that ALL this amazing computer stuff in our lives is based on zero and one. Seems simple, seems practical. In the context of actually living it makes for very narrow and restricted possibilities.
One of the ideas I latched on to long ago during my coach training is that you need more than two options. I like the image of black at one end of the possibilities, white at the other, and all the multitudes of color in between. Wow! Bringing in the color really helps us find new solutions, experiences, and balance.
The fuel for this blog comes from an Anais Nin quote: “We don’t see things as they are: we see them as we are.” It’s a stunning thought. While noting our own view, it really asks us to look beyond our own perspective and see what else is there.
There is a dichotomy at work in this. It is both always about us, and never about us, simultaneously.
One of my favorite coaches would ask me this very irritating question: “What two percent of this is yours?” It was irritating, because it was also on point. All of us always have ownership in it somewhere. As much as I’d want to be right about the other person, I had ownership in the exchange.
And to play with the Seeking Balance theme here, it is also often true that the ‘rant’ someone is turning on you isn’t really about you—it’s about some place where they are disappointed, frustrated, tied up. Your question to yourself in these instances might be something like: “What if this really isn’t about me? What if it’s about something else? How does that change my reaction to it?”
People seek coaching because they want something to be different. They want something to change. And above all else, change requires self observation. As Dr. Phil puts it: “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” Acknowledge the extreme of both edges and the middle.
Getting clear is a crucial first step. It gives you a way to seek balance. If you try to skip it you just wander around bumping up against things. Clarity doesn’t actually mean you have to go over and over and over things. That’s actually counter productive because it keeps you literally stuck in the muck—you build up your neuropathways around the mess more and more. The trick here is that by acknowledging what you don’t want you become more conscious and make better choices.
Frankly, part of why this is on my mind is our current political climate. It’s all on/off, yes/no — oppositional. The idea of seeking—let alone finding balance—has been lost in the fray. To me the bigger goal is to create a country and culture that allows us to actually have differing views and seek balance and harmony. That’s up to us, each of us. And as we do that for ourselves it ripples out to others. All any of us can really do is be the change we want, right?
Shell Tain, the Untangler
Want to chat about this idea of Seeking Balance? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.